IFS: A Brief History of Time (Lost to Blackout)

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Before we embark onto the city of Angels, the city of Bloods, the city of Chins, and yes, the city of Baez, let’s first peer back on the ruins we’ve left behind: Smashville (year 11).  

And for those non-readers, a few photographs pulled from the rubble, each stained with syrup and adolphi of the 2015 vintage.


December 12, 2015

Nashville, TN

Eight ministers, one rabbi, and four guests, numbering thirteen in total, gathered at the Encore Tower, 7th Floor Clubroom, in the heart of downtown Nashville, Tennessee.  In attendance: Minister of Business Management, Minister of Letters, Minister of Rousing, Minister of Member of the Month, Minister of the American Dream, Minister of History, Minister of Interior Design, Rabbi of Leisure, Minister of Athletics, Guest Member Alex, Guest member Cody, Guest Member Jeff, Guest Member Zach.

After last minute assembly of a makeshift table (doors on pool table), a few travel size bottles of Fireball, and some touch and go moments with Minister of MOM, the group sat down for breakfast plus lunch. Dozens of adolphi adorned the breakfast eating surface.

Realizing there were no waiters at the Encore Clubroom, Letters said what we were all thinking, “Something feels funny.   We’re not able to order.”  

“There’s no Rooty or Tooty.” Athletics

“Can you get someone to help us out down here?” Interior Design

The fixed menu anxiety shifted to concern as one member struggled to make it to the table: a Samurai writhing from the ball of fire burning his insides.  

[10 minute delay for MOM collection/propping up]

“As soon as MOM gets back, we can start the meeting.” Rousing

“Where’d he go?” Letters 

“He’s throwing up.” History

“Is he really?” Letters asked, with no concern in his voice.

“Yes, because of all the fireball shots.” History

And then matter-of-factly, “Oh….Good for him.”  Letters.

Letters started off the anthem by humming an E for everyone to match pitch.


At the conclusion of the anthem, “Right now, Jordan’s spidey sense is going off.” Rabbi

MOM started introductions.  “I’m Minister of the Month.  I create the ballots.”  He proceeded to explain the origin and mechanism of voting for CB and MOM.

Minister of the American Dream continued.  “I am Minister of the the American Dream.  Former Minister of International Affairs.  I used to be in charge of all International Affairs, but since I’ve lived the American Dream, opened my own watering hole, I became Minister of the American Dream….with great power, comes great responsibility.”

Rabbi of Leisure followed.  “I’m the Rabbi of leisure.  I’m the only Rabbi in this society.  I’m always the target.”  After further digressions that undermined any sympathy for his plight, he continued, “My duties involving leisure are minimal, but in this particular case, I’m really trying to help instigate people to get more drunk than they would typically.”  To which Letters replied, “You’re doing well.”

Rabbi continued, “And tonight, we will go somewhere to make more party.”  Minister of Business Manage responded, “Wherever we end up, you’ll be outside.”

Introductions continued with Minister of Rousing, “I’m the Minister of Rousing, erstwhile Minister of Coordination and Rousing.  Part of my job is to get everyone here to the meeting.  It’s a nebulous task.  But if it works, it works.”  

Rousing then told a story about Philadelphia.  Minister of American Dream followed with his own story about Philadelphia that he had never told before, complete with an accompanying jingle.

[♪spray jam♪]

Minister of Business Management went next.  “It’s been a long time since I’ve been to one of these meetings actually.  [lots of compliments about his shirt. prolonged explanation of shirt origin.] And regards to my role, I set up the Tahoe meeting.  I stayed up all night and scared everyone the next morning, but I still won the trophy that year for Member of the Month.”  MBM’s account earned much applause and a few ‘fuck yeahs’!

Then Interior Design spoke. “I’m the Minister of Interior Design.  Which doesn’t sound like much, [looking around the room], this place checks out.  Basically, I bought a banner that we would hang in the entry way.  Dottie knew.  Dottie was our original waitress.  Dottie was a good gal…”

From the group, “God rest her soul.”

Letters argued, “She’s alive and well!”

This created lots of speculation about Dottie’s status.

Letters said quietly, “I see her at Ralph’s sometimes,” but the alternative facts had taken over.

Letters resumed, “I’m the minister of Letters because I penned our constitution on a napkin.  It’s now in a landfill somewhere.  And I wrote the anthem we just sang with little to no help from our minister of auditory of pleasures.  Just wanted to welcome you guys again [acknowledging the guest members].  It’s a big deal for us, and we’re happy you’re here.”

[3 minute break to check in on MOM who had returned to his dark space]

Minister of History proceeded.  “I’m the Minister of History.  I’m affectionately called YT.”

Interior Design asked, “What does YT mean?”

Minister of History responded, “Because I’m younger and taller than Rousing.  As History, I take notes.  For example, Tahoe meeting, I wrote that down.  Sometimes I publish them on the internet.  We have a website.”

Minister of Rousing pressed on.  Staring at the first timers, he warned them, “Now you have to stand up and say something that’s bad-ass.”

Oddly, Minister of Athletics did not give an introduction and no one questioned it.

Guest Member Jeff started.  “I’ve known about IFS since about ‘06.  Hearing about it, I’ve been super jealous of, you know, the camaraderie, but especially the flapjacks.”

Guest Member Alex followed.  “I found out about this on Wednesday.”

Rabbi chimed in, “That was a good day.”

Guest Member Cody explained,  “I first heard about the flapjack society when I was working with Diego, at Phi Beta.”

A discussion of the previous night’s wrestling match between Cody and MAD took over.  

From the group, “What happened last night?” “Someone got thrown!”

Guest Member Cody replied, “Yeah, that was Diego.  I had him in a choke hold.”

Guest Member Zach closed it out.  “Happy to be here.  Rousing has been talking about the flapjack society for months.  One time I drove a stranger’s car across the country.”

At which point the group broke from the table to stock up on Monell’s fried chicken, grits, and other southern food.  Many adolphi were drunk.

Diego let out a rendition of “Spray the Marzipan” to the tune of “By the Cake of Pan.”


“This is really good chicken. I’m eating the chicken right now.  But this cheese dish looks delicious too.” Rabbi of Leisure

“They forgot the Kale salad. Corn pudding, fuck yeah.”  Letters

While feasting, the group realized MOM had gone missing once more.  

When Rousing left the table to find MOM, lots of discussion followed about whether the fried chicken skin left on his plate was removed for health reasons or saved for later consumption.  

Rousing returned and resolved the discussion.  “I was literally going to punch someone in the face if they stole my skin.”

Heavy southern style breakfast plus lunch was followed by pony keg stands (helps with digestion).  Minister of Athletics was first to get on the pony.  Also ran: Minister of Rousing, Rabbi of Leisure, Guest Member Cody, Guest Member Jeff, Minister of Interior Design, Minister of History, Minister of American Dream, Guest Member Zach,and others. Minister of Letters and Business Management faced adversity and did not (keg) stand.

[Smoke Break in the 7th Floor Pool Area / Barbecue Deck. Country Music played from the honky tonk’s below.]

[Members returned to the breakfast plus lunch table.  Someone (Rabbi) put on music.  ‘Where Do You Go to My Lovely’ and similar hipster french tunes played on the speaker.  Rabbi started singing to ‘‘Aux Champs Elysées’.]

Referring to the music and joyful singing, Rousing yelled, “Can we stop that?”

Unexpectedly, MOM returned.  And to a standing ovation no less.

“It’s an IFS miracle.” Group

“45 seconds ago, he fell into a chair, threw up, and blacked out.” History

But you couldn’t tell, MOM looked ready to go, except for maybe the stains and slurred speech.  MOM proceeded to read all the ballots while Letters and History tallied the votes.

Rousing won MOM in a runaway for putting South in everyone’s mouth.  There was a four way tie for the Continental Breakfast award: Athletics, Rabbi, MOM, and Minister of the American Dream.  A keg stand-off was proposed.  Ultimately, the powers that be gave the Continental Breakfast award to Minister of Athletics without hesitation.

Rousing gave his MOM speech first.  “This is a society.  Which is amazing.  We formed it a decade plus one ago. Think about that.  It was actually MBM’s idea to have this trip here, so we should all thank MBM.  He literally had a son and then a week later was like, ‘Are we making this Nashville trip happen?’”  

Then Athletics gave his CB speech.  None of it can be transcribed here.

MOM presented the MOY trophy.  “I called up Chuck and consulted with him.  The Member of the Year choice was pretty obvious this year.”  A trophy was unveiled.  “I’ll save you a speech, but the Member of the Year this year is Rousing.”

The MOY trophy reads, ‘International Flapjack Society Smashville Member of the Year 2015 – Rousing.’

“Way to live in a different state.” Interior Design

“Please rise for the Anthem.” Letters


[End of Meeting.]


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