No Waffles For Old, Bald Men

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In Attendance

Minister of the American Dream, Minister of Paralympics, Minister of Art Design, Minister of Media and Technology, Minister of Wardrobe, Minister of Member of the Month, Minister of Rousing, Minister of History, Rabbi of Leisure and Culinary Affairs, Minister of Competition, Minister of Interior Design, Minister of Auditory Pleasure, Minister of Lexicon, Minister of Athletics, Minister of Letters

Friday Night at the Tavern

The Morning

Following a spirited night at the Arlington Tavern, the monks woke up to light rain on the 23rd day of the ninth month of the Roman calendar, November, and celebrated the Ninth Anniversary of the International Flapjack Society: The Novanniel.  Upon entering the Turnpike IHOP in beautiful Goleta, California, the members in attendance were, as Minister of Wardrobe would later say, grinning ear to ear.

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Fucking Coen Brothers

Minister of the American Dream and Minister of Paralympics, brothers within a brotherhood, were the first to arrive.  Forced to leave early to host the Coen Brothers’ cool party for the local premiere of Inside Llewyn Davis, American Dream made haste with his order: eggs benedict, a short stake of pancakes, side of t-bone steak.  No one gets to upset the ceremony of ordering breakfast, starting at one end of the table and snaking back and forth to the far end, except for the Coen Brothers.  They get to do whatever they want.

Coen Brothers, Sneeze


Red hats for some, Budweiser for all

Rabbi of Leisure got caught up in the fervor of a different society’s breakfast meeting – the Red Hat Society – whose local chapter was also enjoying America’s favorite flapjack.  After a spirited photo session with the elderly but young at heart Red Hat Ladies, and exchanges of mutual admiration for each others’ societies, the Rabbi reluctantly returned to his own herd.  Finally, members began to take their seats and Isabel, the IHOP server, pulled open the double doors to take drink orders where she was greeted to an ovation that she would earn over the next three hours.  “Budweisers all around, no waters, and get ready to bring in more Budweisers.”

 Red Hat Society plus Joosh


Late Arrivals and Early Business

Following this was the timely arrival of the first round of beers and the less timely arrival of the Minister of Auditory Pleasure, Minister of Lexicon and Minister of Athletics, who had perhaps faced adversity when trying to make the breakfast on time, and had definitely lost.  Moments after their arrival, the group broke out in song to our dear Adolphus, a beautiful a capella rendition of the anthem, that ended strongly with Diego’s vocals sprayjamming throughout the IHOP private room.

Anthem, Hugs

Everyone settled into their traditional seats, and Minister of Rousing complimented Minister of Athletics on “his strong mustache.” Said Athletics, “I hate cancer.”

Next, Minister of American Dream shared his business, which was accelerated on account of the Coen Brothers’ having a cool party at the Arlington Tavern.

Minister of the American Dream:

“It’s been a tough year, I officially got divorced 3 days ago.  I found out…that America loves divorced people.”  To which Minister of MOM noted, “the first IFS divorce.”  American Dream continued “I vote myself for CB.  Celebrities? Who gives a fuck.” At which point a ballot was given to the minister to solidify his feelings.  Letters added,  “In regards to CB awards, I’ll never again wear shorts.”

Then, the Minister of Wardrobe and Minister of Competition arrived and were welcomed with another rendition of the anthem, a well deserved reception for, presumably, journeying from overseas to make the breakfast.  This was capped off with the surprise arrival of three appetizer samplers that Rabbi of Leisure and Culinary Afffairs had secretly ordered.  Rabbi of Leisure: “Wait for the sauces, wait for the sauces.”



Minister of Media and Technology:  Classic roasted turkey dinner, side of raspberry white chocolate chip pancakes, side of bacon, and the tortilla soup

Minister of Lexicon: Original French toast, side of full stack

Minister of Letters: Fried chicken dinner, side of short stack

Minister of Rousing: Fried chicken dinner breakfast side of German pancakes

Minister of Wardrobe: Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n Fruity Pancakes, side of hash browns, extra fruity

Minister of Auditory pleasure: Breakfast sampler, sub German pancakes

Minister of Competition: Country fried steak, over medium

Minister of Art and Design: Hand crafted griddle melts, white cheddar and a short stack

Minister of Paralympics: Big temptation omelet

Minister of History: : Country fried steak and eggs, side of swedish crepes

Minister of Athletics: Smokehouse combo with American pancakes and American butter

Rabbi of Leisure and Culinary Affairs: Country fried steak, Omelet prepared [redacted for space]

Minister of Member of the Month: Chicken and waffles, sub flapjacks for waffles, two eggs over medium

Minister of Interior Design: Chocolate chip pancakes, bring a can of whip cream, side of two eggs over easy and bacon

Food Porn


Babies Having Babies / MOY

Computers were brought out and booted up to connect the Minister of Philanthropy, who had long ago saved Christmas and had more recently planted the seeds of life.  After some technical difficulties, and the use of a handy iphone, the group of 15 were joined by the absentee Minister, making 16.

From the Group: “Babies having babies.”

MOM: “E is being awarded member of the year in absentia. He’s fertile, a good swimmer, and we don’t like other people so we have to multiple from inside the group.”

The Minister graciously accepted the member of the year award from his home.

Philanthropy: “I brought my own trophy because I like to hold it.” “Having a baby is a big deal but seriously it’s been pretty easy so far.  But she’s been going through a lot.”

From the group: “Are you drunk right now?”  :Stop yelling!” “Keep plowing.” “Good job impregnating.”

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Official Business

Minister of Media and Technology:

M+T kicked off the second business portion of the meeting (thanks Joel and Ethan).  He was visibly excited to be there after missing the previous year.  “I’m the media of technology [sic]. I make sure Fricker’s hairline blog stays up. I don’t run it, I just maintain it.  As a maintainer, you just don’t want to lose anymore. I had a lot of great ideas…the day that I showed up. All that matters is this. It’s been a busy year, glad it wasn’t the weekend of my work party. Food is taking hold, but it’s amazing to catch up with everyone.”  M+T also managed to spill the news that Competition had become engaged.  “You stole my business” Competition yelled out.

Minister of Letter:

“Owww…my sciatica. The sciatic nerve goes from my lower back to my leg.”
Minister of the Interior Design chimed in “my longest nerve is my big dick.”
Letters continued, “We’re locking it down in SB until you guys all make it back. It will likely be home for a long time. Well, see you later.”

Minister of Rousing:

“Good to see you. As many of you know, I live in smashville, loser cash ville,  go Predators.  Buying a condo which was a massive undertaking, and the only way that this would happen was with Nova.”   He continued “yesterday, my first book article was published.”

Minister of Interior Design:

“Not a lot to say other than to say that I made that [the condo] happen. I’m excited to go out there to kick the shit out of his realtors. All the new and exciting things I didn’t know about until bunch told me.”   And later “I’m a stones throw a way from a Fridays and it goes off on Sunday.”

Minister of the Member of the Month:

“Member of the Year had to go to E because of the baby. Ed, when you go to other countries, post pictures.”

Minister of Wardrobe:

“I have no news.  I’ve been looking into more 45 dollar shirts. I was telling Pat on the way to the bar that I talk to a lot of guys at bars, gay bars, and people are envious.  I look forward to this.  I’m grinning ear to ear.  Come downtown!”

Minister of Auditory Pleasure:

“It’s hard to believe, foreskin and 7 years ago, our forefathers, our foreskins.  Some people have made positive life changes that go unnoticed because others knock their [redacted].”

Minister of Culinary Affairs:

“Bros, cheers, go warriors!  Fantastic to see everyone, especially Charlie.

Sincerely, its fucking rad.  I love you guys to the most.  It’s really impressive when you say to your boss, I gotta leave for the novannial. Cheers.”

Minister of Athletics:

“I’m minister of athletics.  This year I went to the annual dodgeball championships in Las Vegas. I play in a volleyball league.  I moved down to LA.  It’s really lovely to see everyone.”

Minister of Competition:

“There’s something I wanted to tell everyone.  I’m getting married…to a girl. I’m an older, wiser, better, person for this society.  I don’t win a lot of competitions…except this one.”  Competition then hoisted the CB above his head.

Minister of Art and Design:

“Not much.  I have snuck IFS into four commercials for [redacted] and a [redacted] commercial. The icons on the scoreboard are all IFS variations.”

Minister of Paralympics:

“I took 2nd in an Arizona competition. Triple digits temperature. If you go down to Loma Linda, I’m the face of billboards on a 12 story building. So right now, I’m officially a big deal. But I got to shave 15 minutes off the total time. ”

Minister of History:

Was excited to see everyone and then he said some bull crap about taking better notes and publishing minutes more timely.

Minister of Lexicon:

Lexicon introduced himself and then proceeded to read great e-mails from the past year. The stand out was an e-mail authored by the Rabbi of Leisure with some unfortunate spelling errors.  “Don’t laugh at him, he’s dyslexic.” said Lexicon.


Following official business and also during official business, there were more rounds of Budweisers.

Minister of MOM then collected the ballots.



The Vote

Minister of Culinary Affair was awarded the Continental Breakfast award.  Upon receiving the award, he said, ” I didn’t see this coming. But I appreciate it. And I will do everything in my power to live up to this award.  It says here: in the face of adversity, you lost. Fuck you. And I’m touched.”

Minister of History won the Member of the Month award.  History was recognized for passing the bar, joining Competition and Auditory Pleasure in the pack of law dogs.  History proudly shared, “Herodotus, the father of history, said of all possessions, friends are the most precious.  And I believe that.”

The meeting concluded with a final round of beers and many more hugs and cigarettes.  Later, Minister of Athletics proved he was the best athlete in the sport of bowling.

Monk Collage

And then we feasted at the Arlington Tavern.


One Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Joel Fricker
    Jan 14, 2015 @ 10:25:25