Vote or Die


Vote_or_die_paris As Minister of Defense and unofficial representative of all things American, I have taken in upon myself to give recommendations on the propositions that are on the ballot tomorrow in our glorious Golden State.  Here it goes:

YES on 1A through 1E – These are infrastructure bonds supported by our beloved governor.  Building through bonds, not taxes.  It’s a good thing.

NO on 83 – It’s easy to support punishing child molesters, but this is not the right way to do it.  This proposition would increase geographic restrictions on where sex offenders can live (not within 2000 feet of a school, for example) and require them to wear tracking devices for life.  I think these methods would not be adequately successful.  Statistically, where a child molester lives has no bearing on whether or not he will be a repeat offender, and the sex offenders themselves would be responsible for for charging the batteries of their GPS tracking devices.  A more cost effective and successful method of preventing repeat offenses that is currently on a voluntary basis in the California state prison system is castration.  Make it mandatory.  If you rape a 10 year old girl, you lose your balls.  You won’t do it again.

YES on 84 – A $5.4 billion water protection and pollution clean up bond.  Hard to argue against it.  There is a lot of money being spent in a lot of ways here, and some of it might not be in the most efficient of ways, but overall it’s a good and necessary thing.

NO on 85 – Some of us know all too well the hassles that come along with impregnating a teenage girl.  Let’s not make it anymore difficult to deal with.  Proposition 85 requires requires parental notification for minors getting an abortion.  Some things are best left a secret.

YES on 86 – Imposes a $2.60 tax increase on a pack of cigarettes.  Now I love a bummed grit as much as the next guy, but we all pay, through health insurance and government funded health care, for people who decide to kill themselves with tobacco.  Bernie and Bunch, if you guys keep smoking as much as you do, you will both die of lung cancer.  We don’t want that to happen.  And if you really want to kill yourself, I loaded one shell in the Defender in Nova’s room before I left Santa Barbara.

YES on 87 – A complex proposition that taxes gasoline to fund alternative energy.  Although probably overly bureaucratic, any step in this direction is a good one.  As Bill Clinton said about the use of ethanol fuel, "If Brazil can do it, so can California."  Well Goddammit, there is nothing Brazil can do that we can’t.

NO on 88 – Imposes a $50 tax per piece of privately held land to fund education.  This is yet another way for the poor to rape the rich of their hard earned money.  If you vote for this you are a fucking Communist.

NO on 89 – Taxes California businesses to fund political campaigns.  Campaign finance reform is necessary, but it should not come at the expense of already heavily taxed California businesses.

NO on 90 – Makes it more expensive and difficult for the state of California to exercise eminent domain, which is a necessary tool for building infrastructure.  Most people don’t understand what this proposition is.  It would basically require the state to pay way more than land is worth to the owner, and the kind of land that is usually subject to this type of thing is not your grandma’s house but corporate owned agriculture land and that sort of thing.  It’s a proposition that is designed to make money off of voter ignorance.

So there it is lab rats.  Get out there and vote tomorrow, or I will cut you with my Pakistani-made-American-flag-lock-blade-knife.

Good night and good luck,

Minster of Defense

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. athletics
    Nov 08, 2006 @ 11:06:02

    Only the most prestigious IFS award, nice Baumann. That baby blue hue on your gay Mexican knock-off Ray Ban’s must have scrambled your short term memory. And when am I going to see my money, seriously.
    Side note: good to see that sex offenders will not be allowed to live within 2000 feet of a school and will be given the responsibility to change the batteries on their GPS tracking anklets, while teenage girls can still get knocked up and have an abortion without telling mommy and daddy about it. These are completely different issues, but both seem to be going in opposite directions regarding privacy issues and the inherent responsibility of doing the nasty, not that I support sex offenders.

  2. defense
    Nov 08, 2006 @ 08:29:41

    Oh… Member of the Year jam… sorry.

  3. defense
    Nov 07, 2006 @ 17:23:01

    I earned that monkey. What the fuck have you done? You didn’t get any awards at the last meeting.

  4. Rousing
    Nov 07, 2006 @ 16:59:54

    Hey Defense, don’t drop too much change into the C.B. monkey, you still owe me $400.

  5. defense
    Nov 07, 2006 @ 16:29:24

    I’m trying, Fricker. I’m trying. At least I didn’t quit my IFS job like Coordination and Rousing, oh wait, just Rousing.

  6. mandrew
    Nov 06, 2006 @ 22:39:20

    Nice Baumann. Whether or not those opinions were your own or copied and pasted off the Democracy Now website, I like the fact you’re voicing your opinion. (kidding, i’m sure many of your beliefs are not in line with Democracy Now.) It’s good to get those complex propositions boiled down to the nitty gritty. Especially since even the well intentioned can be fooled by “The Corporations” into thinking prop 87 is bad. (Fleming)
    Fleming on the other hand will be building America safely, by tunneling deep into the earth’s crust with a giant drill, if you really want to defend this country, get a job you no good, lazy, layabout. America needs it’s citizens at work beating those damn terrorists with blood, sweat, tears and a little elbow grease.
    I for one was late on voter registration and will not be at the polls tomorrow. I know, I suck, But if you can vote, vote smart, and vote twice for me.
    I’ll be helping America the old fashion way, with my highly tuned scientific mind,….and a laser.