Minister of HistoryFlapjacksComments Off on IFS: A Brief History of Time (Lost to Blackout)
Before we embark onto the city of Angels, the city of Bloods, the city of Chins, and yes, the city of Baez, let’s first peer back on the ruins we’ve left behind: Smashville (year 11).
And for those non-readers, a few photographs pulled from the rubble, each stained with syrup and adolphi of the 2015 vintage.
December 12, 2015
Eight ministers, one rabbi, and four guests, numbering thirteen in total, gathered at the Encore Tower, 7th Floor Clubroom, in the heart of downtown Nashville, Tennessee. In attendance: Minister of Business Management, Minister of Letters, Minister of Rousing, Minister of Member of the Month, Minister of the American Dream, Minister of History, Minister of Interior Design, Rabbi of Leisure, Minister of Athletics, Guest Member Alex, Guest member Cody, Guest Member Jeff, Guest Member Zach.
After last minute assembly of a makeshift table (doors on pool table), a few travel size bottles of Fireball, and some touch and go moments with Minister of MOM, the group sat down for breakfast plus lunch. Dozens of adolphi adorned the breakfast eating surface.
Realizing there were no waiters at the Encore Clubroom, Letters said what we were all thinking, “Something feels funny. We’re not able to order.”
“There’s no Rooty or Tooty.” Athletics
“Can you get someone to help us out down here?” Interior Design
The fixed menu anxiety shifted to concern as one member struggled to make it to the table: a Samurai writhing from the ball of fire burning his insides.
[10 minute delay for MOM collection/propping up]
“As soon as MOM gets back, we can start the meeting.” Rousing
“Where’d he go?” Letters
“He’s throwing up.” History
“Is he really?” Letters asked, with no concern in his voice.
“Yes, because of all the fireball shots.” History
And then matter-of-factly, “Oh….Good for him.” Letters.
Letters started off the anthem by humming an E for everyone to match pitch.
At the conclusion of the anthem, “Right now, Jordan’s spidey sense is going off.” Rabbi
MOM started introductions. “I’m Minister of the Month. I create the ballots.” He proceeded to explain the origin and mechanism of voting for CB and MOM.
Minister of the American Dream continued. “I am Minister of the the American Dream. Former Minister of International Affairs. I used to be in charge of all International Affairs, but since I’ve lived the American Dream, opened my own watering hole, I became Minister of the American Dream….with great power, comes great responsibility.”
Rabbi of Leisure followed. “I’m the Rabbi of leisure. I’m the only Rabbi in this society. I’m always the target.” After further digressions that undermined any sympathy for his plight, he continued, “My duties involving leisure are minimal, but in this particular case, I’m really trying to help instigate people to get more drunk than they would typically.” To which Letters replied, “You’re doing well.”
Rabbi continued, “And tonight, we will go somewhere to make more party.” Minister of Business Manage responded, “Wherever we end up, you’ll be outside.”
Introductions continued with Minister of Rousing, “I’m the Minister of Rousing, erstwhile Minister of Coordination and Rousing. Part of my job is to get everyone here to the meeting. It’s a nebulous task. But if it works, it works.”
Rousing then told a story about Philadelphia. Minister of American Dream followed with his own story about Philadelphia that he had never told before, complete with an accompanying jingle.
Minister of Business Management went next. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been to one of these meetings actually. [lots of compliments about his shirt. prolonged explanation of shirt origin.] And regards to my role, I set up the Tahoe meeting. I stayed up all night and scared everyone the next morning, but I still won the trophy that year for Member of the Month.” MBM’s account earned much applause and a few ‘fuck yeahs’!
Then Interior Design spoke. “I’m the Minister of Interior Design. Which doesn’t sound like much, [looking around the room], this place checks out. Basically, I bought a banner that we would hang in the entry way. Dottie knew. Dottie was our original waitress. Dottie was a good gal…”
From the group, “God rest her soul.”
Letters argued, “She’s alive and well!”
This created lots of speculation about Dottie’s status.
Letters said quietly, “I see her at Ralph’s sometimes,” but the alternative facts had taken over.
Letters resumed, “I’m the minister of Letters because I penned our constitution on a napkin. It’s now in a landfill somewhere. And I wrote the anthem we just sang with little to no help from our minister of auditory of pleasures. Just wanted to welcome you guys again [acknowledging the guest members]. It’s a big deal for us, and we’re happy you’re here.”
[3 minute break to check in on MOM who had returned to his dark space]
Minister of History proceeded. “I’m the Minister of History. I’m affectionately called YT.”
Interior Design asked, “What does YT mean?”
Minister of History responded, “Because I’m younger and taller than Rousing. As History, I take notes. For example, Tahoe meeting, I wrote that down. Sometimes I publish them on the internet. We have a website.”
Minister of Rousing pressed on. Staring at the first timers, he warned them, “Now you have to stand up and say something that’s bad-ass.”
Oddly, Minister of Athletics did not give an introduction and no one questioned it.
Guest Member Jeff started. “I’ve known about IFS since about ‘06. Hearing about it, I’ve been super jealous of, you know, the camaraderie, but especially the flapjacks.”
Guest Member Alex followed. “I found out about this on Wednesday.”
Rabbi chimed in, “That was a good day.”
Guest Member Cody explained, “I first heard about the flapjack society when I was working with Diego, at Phi Beta.”
A discussion of the previous night’s wrestling match between Cody and MAD took over.
From the group, “What happened last night?” “Someone got thrown!”
Guest Member Cody replied, “Yeah, that was Diego. I had him in a choke hold.”
Guest Member Zach closed it out. “Happy to be here. Rousing has been talking about the flapjack society for months. One time I drove a stranger’s car across the country.”
At which point the group broke from the table to stock up on Monell’s fried chicken, grits, and other southern food. Many adolphi were drunk.
Diego let out a rendition of “Spray the Marzipan” to the tune of “By the Cake of Pan.”
“This is really good chicken. I’m eating the chicken right now. But this cheese dish looks delicious too.” Rabbi of Leisure
“They forgot the Kale salad. Corn pudding, fuck yeah.” Letters
While feasting, the group realized MOM had gone missing once more.
When Rousing left the table to find MOM, lots of discussion followed about whether the fried chicken skin left on his plate was removed for health reasons or saved for later consumption.
Rousing returned and resolved the discussion. “I was literally going to punch someone in the face if they stole my skin.”
Heavy southern style breakfast plus lunch was followed by pony keg stands (helps with digestion). Minister of Athletics was first to get on the pony. Also ran: Minister of Rousing, Rabbi of Leisure, Guest Member Cody, Guest Member Jeff, Minister of Interior Design, Minister of History, Minister of American Dream, Guest Member Zach,and others. Minister of Letters and Business Management faced adversity and did not (keg) stand.
[Smoke Break in the 7th Floor Pool Area / Barbecue Deck. Country Music played from the honky tonk’s below.]
[Members returned to the breakfast plus lunch table. Someone (Rabbi) put on music. ‘Where Do You Go to My Lovely’ and similar hipster french tunes played on the speaker. Rabbi started singing to ‘‘Aux Champs Elysées’.]
Referring to the music and joyful singing, Rousing yelled, “Can we stop that?”
Unexpectedly, MOM returned. And to a standing ovation no less.
“It’s an IFS miracle.” Group
“45 seconds ago, he fell into a chair, threw up, and blacked out.” History
But you couldn’t tell, MOM looked ready to go, except for maybe the stains and slurred speech. MOM proceeded to read all the ballots while Letters and History tallied the votes.
Rousing won MOM in a runaway for putting South in everyone’s mouth. There was a four way tie for the Continental Breakfast award: Athletics, Rabbi, MOM, and Minister of the American Dream. A keg stand-off was proposed. Ultimately, the powers that be gave the Continental Breakfast award to Minister of Athletics without hesitation.
Rousing gave his MOM speech first. “This is a society. Which is amazing. We formed it a decade plus one ago. Think about that. It was actually MBM’s idea to have this trip here, so we should all thank MBM. He literally had a son and then a week later was like, ‘Are we making this Nashville trip happen?’”
Then Athletics gave his CB speech. None of it can be transcribed here.
MOM presented the MOY trophy. “I called up Chuck and consulted with him. The Member of the Year choice was pretty obvious this year.” A trophy was unveiled. “I’ll save you a speech, but the Member of the Year this year is Rousing.”
The MOY trophy reads, ‘International Flapjack Society Smashville Member of the Year 2015 – Rousing.’
“Way to live in a different state.” Interior Design
This video lies at the nexus of where this blog has ended up (mostly hairline based humor) and current events in the US. I think we need to make this ‘webbrog’ great again!! These damn Hoodia spam robots have taken over our website and taken all the good commenting jobs from hardworking, blue collar ministers. Do your duty, post and comment, otherwise the spam robots win. MOM 2016!!
Media + TechnologyHairlineComments Off on Sponsored Post: Hairline For Men
While thinning hair certainly isn’t the end of the world, it is annoying. The Wall Street Journal spoke with stylist Diana Schmidtke to get some tips on disguising it, and one suggestion is to ditch the hair products altogether.
Minister of the American Dream, Minister of Paralympics, Minister of Art Design, Minister of Media and Technology, Minister of Wardrobe, Minister of Member of the Month, Minister of Rousing, Minister of History, Rabbi of Leisure and Culinary Affairs, Minister of Competition, Minister of Interior Design, Minister of Auditory Pleasure, Minister of Lexicon, Minister of Athletics, Minister of Letters
Following a spirited night at the Arlington Tavern, the monks woke up to light rain on the 23rd day of the ninth month of the Roman calendar, November, and celebrated the Ninth Anniversary of the International Flapjack Society: The Novanniel. Upon entering the Turnpike IHOP in beautiful Goleta, California, the members in attendance were, as Minister of Wardrobe would later say, grinning ear to ear.
Fucking Coen Brothers
Minister of the American Dream and Minister of Paralympics, brothers within a brotherhood, were the first to arrive. Forced to leave early to host the Coen Brothers’ cool party for the local premiere of Inside Llewyn Davis, American Dream made haste with his order: eggs benedict, a short stake of pancakes, side of t-bone steak. No one gets to upset the ceremony of ordering breakfast, starting at one end of the table and snaking back and forth to the far end, except for the Coen Brothers. They get to do whatever they want.
Red hats for some, Budweiser for all
Rabbi of Leisure got caught up in the fervor of a different society’s breakfast meeting – the Red Hat Society – whose local chapter was also enjoying America’s favorite flapjack. After a spirited photo session with the elderly but young at heart Red Hat Ladies, and exchanges of mutual admiration for each others’ societies, the Rabbi reluctantly returned to his own herd. Finally, members began to take their seats and Isabel, the IHOP server, pulled open the double doors to take drink orders where she was greeted to an ovation that she would earn over the next three hours. “Budweisers all around, no waters, and get ready to bring in more Budweisers.”
Late Arrivals and Early Business
Following this was the timely arrival of the first round of beers and the less timely arrival of the Minister of Auditory Pleasure, Minister of Lexicon and Minister of Athletics, who had perhaps faced adversity when trying to make the breakfast on time, and had definitely lost. Moments after their arrival, the group broke out in song to our dear Adolphus, a beautiful a capella rendition of the anthem, that ended strongly with Diego’s vocals sprayjamming throughout the IHOP private room.
Everyone settled into their traditional seats, and Minister of Rousing complimented Minister of Athletics on “his strong mustache.” Said Athletics, “I hate cancer.”
Next, Minister of American Dream shared his business, which was accelerated on account of the Coen Brothers’ having a cool party at the Arlington Tavern.
Minister of the American Dream:
“It’s been a tough year, I officially got divorced 3 days ago. I found out…that America loves divorced people.” To which Minister of MOM noted, “the first IFS divorce.” American Dream continued “I vote myself for CB. Celebrities? Who gives a fuck.” At which point a ballot was given to the minister to solidify his feelings. Letters added, “In regards to CB awards, I’ll never again wear shorts.”
Then, the Minister of Wardrobe and Minister of Competition arrived and were welcomed with another rendition of the anthem, a well deserved reception for, presumably, journeying from overseas to make the breakfast. This was capped off with the surprise arrival of three appetizer samplers that Rabbi of Leisure and Culinary Afffairs had secretly ordered. Rabbi of Leisure: “Wait for the sauces, wait for the sauces.”
Minister of Media and Technology: Classic roasted turkey dinner, side of raspberry white chocolate chip pancakes, side of bacon, and the tortilla soup
Minister of Lexicon: Original French toast, side of full stack
Minister of Letters: Fried chicken dinner, side of short stack
Minister of Rousing: Fried chicken dinner breakfast side of German pancakes
Minister of Wardrobe: Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n Fruity Pancakes, side of hash browns, extra fruity
Minister of Auditory pleasure: Breakfast sampler, sub German pancakes
Minister of Competition: Country fried steak, over medium
Minister of Art and Design: Hand crafted griddle melts, white cheddar and a short stack
Minister of Paralympics: Big temptation omelet
Minister of History: : Country fried steak and eggs, side of swedish crepes
Minister of Athletics: Smokehouse combo with American pancakes and American butter
Rabbi of Leisure and Culinary Affairs: Country fried steak, Omelet prepared [redacted for space]
Minister of Member of the Month: Chicken and waffles, sub flapjacks for waffles, two eggs over medium
Minister of Interior Design: Chocolate chip pancakes, bring a can of whip cream, side of two eggs over easy and bacon
Babies Having Babies / MOY
Computers were brought out and booted up to connect the Minister of Philanthropy, who had long ago saved Christmas and had more recently planted the seeds of life. After some technical difficulties, and the use of a handy iphone, the group of 15 were joined by the absentee Minister, making 16.
From the Group: “Babies having babies.”
MOM: “E is being awarded member of the year in absentia. He’s fertile, a good swimmer, and we don’t like other people so we have to multiple from inside the group.”
The Minister graciously accepted the member of the year award from his home.
Philanthropy: “I brought my own trophy because I like to hold it.” “Having a baby is a big deal but seriously it’s been pretty easy so far. But she’s been going through a lot.”
From the group: “Are you drunk right now?” :Stop yelling!” “Keep plowing.” “Good job impregnating.”
Minister of Media and Technology:
M+T kicked off the second business portion of the meeting (thanks Joel and Ethan). He was visibly excited to be there after missing the previous year. “I’m the media of technology [sic]. I make sure Fricker’s hairline blog stays up. I don’t run it, I just maintain it. As a maintainer, you just don’t want to lose anymore. I had a lot of great ideas…the day that I showed up. All that matters is this. It’s been a busy year, glad it wasn’t the weekend of my work party. Food is taking hold, but it’s amazing to catch up with everyone.” M+T also managed to spill the news that Competition had become engaged. “You stole my business” Competition yelled out.
Minister of Letter:
“Owww…my sciatica. The sciatic nerve goes from my lower back to my leg.”
Minister of the Interior Design chimed in “my longest nerve is my big dick.”
Letters continued, “We’re locking it down in SB until you guys all make it back. It will likely be home for a long time. Well, see you later.”
Minister of Rousing:
“Good to see you. As many of you know, I live in smashville, loser cash ville, go Predators. Buying a condo which was a massive undertaking, and the only way that this would happen was with Nova.” He continued “yesterday, my first book article was published.”
Minister of Interior Design:
“Not a lot to say other than to say that I made that [the condo] happen. I’m excited to go out there to kick the shit out of his realtors. All the new and exciting things I didn’t know about until bunch told me.” And later “I’m a stones throw a way from a Fridays and it goes off on Sunday.”
Minister of the Member of the Month:
“Member of the Year had to go to E because of the baby. Ed, when you go to other countries, post pictures.”
Minister of Wardrobe:
“I have no news. I’ve been looking into more 45 dollar shirts. I was telling Pat on the way to the bar that I talk to a lot of guys at bars, gay bars, and people are envious. I look forward to this. I’m grinning ear to ear. Come downtown!”
Minister of Auditory Pleasure:
“It’s hard to believe, foreskin and 7 years ago, our forefathers, our foreskins. Some people have made positive life changes that go unnoticed because others knock their [redacted].”
Minister of Culinary Affairs:
“Bros, cheers, go warriors! Fantastic to see everyone, especially Charlie.
Sincerely, its fucking rad. I love you guys to the most. It’s really impressive when you say to your boss, I gotta leave for the novannial. Cheers.”
Minister of Athletics:
“I’m minister of athletics. This year I went to the annual dodgeball championships in Las Vegas. I play in a volleyball league. I moved down to LA. It’s really lovely to see everyone.”
Minister of Competition:
“There’s something I wanted to tell everyone. I’m getting married…to a girl. I’m an older, wiser, better, person for this society. I don’t win a lot of competitions…except this one.” Competition then hoisted the CB above his head.
Minister of Art and Design:
“Not much. I have snuck IFS into four commercials for [redacted] and a [redacted] commercial. The icons on the scoreboard are all IFS variations.”
Minister of Paralympics:
“I took 2nd in an Arizona competition. Triple digits temperature. If you go down to Loma Linda, I’m the face of billboards on a 12 story building. So right now, I’m officially a big deal. But I got to shave 15 minutes off the total time. ”
Minister of History:
Was excited to see everyone and then he said some bull crap about taking better notes and publishing minutes more timely.
Minister of Lexicon:
Lexicon introduced himself and then proceeded to read great e-mails from the past year. The stand out was an e-mail authored by the Rabbi of Leisure with some unfortunate spelling errors. “Don’t laugh at him, he’s dyslexic.” said Lexicon.
Following official business and also during official business, there were more rounds of Budweisers.
Minister of MOM then collected the ballots.
Minister of Culinary Affair was awarded the Continental Breakfast award. Upon receiving the award, he said, ” I didn’t see this coming. But I appreciate it. And I will do everything in my power to live up to this award. It says here: in the face of adversity, you lost. Fuck you. And I’m touched.”
Minister of History won the Member of the Month award. History was recognized for passing the bar, joining Competition and Auditory Pleasure in the pack of law dogs. History proudly shared, “Herodotus, the father of history, said of all possessions, friends are the most precious. And I believe that.”
The meeting concluded with a final round of beers and many more hugs and cigarettes. Later, Minister of Athletics proved he was the best athlete in the sport of bowling.
While I generally try and report all current hairless news, I have dropped the ‘bald’. The Minister of Health alerted me that there are important new happenings in the world of male pattern baldness which I have missed. Great Shame. Regardless, here is a link to what our current NFL stars will look like in a few short decades.
Rousing on Hyyyugjche Traps I read a lot of interesting articles here. I mean, what you say is valuable and all. This website could undeniably be one of the greatest in its field.
Rousing on Omaha, Omaha, bald 42, bald 42, set….hike Thank you very much for this hairless news update. I really enjoy your hairline blog, which seems to be gaining in readership. Congratulations on all of the new sponsors: free coupons kfc and orange weight loss, among others. Superb blog!
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